My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
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Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me