I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
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you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.