Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
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“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”