Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
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When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I got bills
They’re multiplying
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes