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COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
my sentiments exactly
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.