“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
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People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me