Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
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Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
When ur friends with white people
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.