Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
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Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I’ll be mad as hell!
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.