Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
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Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand