Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
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TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt