[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
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You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks