My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Wait a second…
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing