NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
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the official breakfast of 2021
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.