ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
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Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Isn’t
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers