BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.