Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind