-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
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I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
this is literally a CIA plant
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.