Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
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[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium