Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
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I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.