Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
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*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
He is just living hist best little life 😊
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Did I do this right
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.