“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
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Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.