Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
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*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I am a gravy boat captain
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I believe the plural is “milves.”
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.