I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
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#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out