Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.