My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
who called it hell and not heaven’t
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS