When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
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My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.