Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
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[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Made something I’m not proud of
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!