Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
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boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Worst perfume name ever.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.