One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
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*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.