i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
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7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”