My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
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this is literally a CIA plant
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.