Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
how to have an accident 101
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.