A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
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If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.