About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
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You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Beware of the dog..
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left