AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
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12. I think about this all the damn time
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.