I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
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People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Hotels are back
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!