“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
seems like a niche market
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
This is enough internet for the day.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.