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What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Worth remembering.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.