The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
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Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs