“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
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Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers