Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
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My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?