“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
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The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Leaving the Barbers like
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor