*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
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I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Just as the prophecy foretold
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.