Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
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*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.