[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
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Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]