You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
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We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers