My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
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I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall