Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
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The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me: