It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.