My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
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If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go